How should people respond to an insult?
With a lot of silence. You say something
ugly to me. I'm going to give it about 5
to 7 seconds on nothing.
Meaning, I'm going to allow your words
as if I see them just to fall to the
this table here and give you a moment of
like,
you good with that? Like, you still you
still proud of that right there? You can
take it back if you like, but I'm not
taking it. And it's that it's that that
mindset of I'm not taking it. I don't
have to pick it up. That's not mine.
Because we get so used to catching just
because somebody threw we feel like we
automatically have to catch. It's like
it's not it's not tennis. It's not
volleyball. You don't have to hit it
back over a net. You can just let it be
there. So five to seven seconds of
nothing in that silence. Two, what I
like to do is usually ask them to repeat
it.
>> Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that's I I usually will say,
"I need you to I need you to say that
again."
I've yet to have anybody who could do it
because it's like they they they don't
want to show
they're ugly. They don't want that
highlighted. They don't they know what
they just said. And now what they were
expecting was that hit of dopamine of me
giving it right back to them and feeling
that sense of control. I've now put a
big spotlight on their behavior and then
it's just it's not fun at that point.
They're like, I got to get out of here.
Like that's was that that wasn't the hit
that I was expecting. And when I say, I
need you to repeat that or I need you to
say that again.
They're going to have to remember their
words and regurgitate them.
>> And that usually it's people don't like
to extend past this feeling of being
reasonable. Now, I know people will go,
"Oh, I know lots of people are
unreasonable." Listen, I have deposed
probably thousands of people. I've seen
lots of liars and manipulators. They
never want to come across as
unreasonable. Yeah. People who are like
manipulating you, they're not afraid of
of
anger. They're afraid of calm. And
whenever I can
show you that I'm not rising and going,
"How dare you?" like getting this who
who do you think you are kind of bow up.
Um it's almost more scary to them if you
I need you to say that again.
>> Now most of the time what they do is
they try and like well I mean what I I
mean I mean and they try to like justify
Exactly. Uh and try and adjust in some
way or I guess they could double down.
If they do double down and repeat it
then you get to say I thought so.
Thanks. like just let it go because at
that point you're still just leaving
them. They're going to remember what
they said and you're not going to be the
one to remember it at all. So, it's
another that I like to ask is it's just
did you mean did you mean for that to
sound as insulting as it did? Did you
mean for that to embarrass me in some
way? Did you mean for that to offend me
or hurt me or belittle me? Or did you
did you want me to feel less when you
said that? Whenever you talk about
intense, the did you mean, did you
intend to, did you say that in order to,
it questions the very root of their
heart in that moment of like, why did
they really say that? And they said that
to hurt you to to cause that pain. And
at the same time, maybe you just took it
the wrong way. Like in text message,
usually we have a way of reading
everything negative in a text message.
We never read things positive, right?
you I I could text you, we need to talk
and nobody gets that and goes like sick.
Yes, let's go. Let's Chris wants to
talk. Let's let's get after it. Let's
go. Uh we always read the negative. And
so did you mean is also a great way of
double checking. Did you mean for that
to sound like my wife and I if I
sometimes reply really quickly, she'll
say, did you mean for that to sound
short? No, no, I didn't mean to. I was
just in the middle of pickup or I was at
a grocery line or whatever. It's
>> you're allowing that that benefit of the
doubt for a second.
>> In both of those situations,
>> uh, where it's not ambiguous about
whether or not that was a mean message
or not,
>> right,
>> what you're doing is bringing the
person's ugliness
to the front.
>> Yep.
>> Because Yeah, you're right.
Even when people say mean things, they
feel justified in their meanness.
>> You deserved it,
>> right?
>> Or
I'm righteous somehow.
>> And
with enough room for the heat to die
down a little bit.
Three.
>> Mhm.
>> Four. Five. Six. [ __ ] Seven.
>> It's a long time.
>> Very. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh and to
then basically say
do the thing again but without the heat
that powered it when you did it the
first time like you you've run out of
fuel.
>> Exactly.
>> And you're now going to have to
>> look at it
>> in a more sterile environment.
>> Right.
>> More plain environment.
>> Mhm.
>> And
I'm just going to ask I'm not going to
infer. I'm gonna ask whether the outcome
that happened after you said that thing
was what you meant and that is you
admitting to your own intent
>> around this.
>> Exactly. It's like you um
like imagine having to ask a girl out
and she's like, "Well, I didn't hear
you. Never mind." Like you don't want to
you don't want to ask it again. It's
that feeling of like I already I already
said it.
>> You said you're so hot.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. Exactly. That's right. Um, and
then all of a sudden you you realize,
no, that that didn't feel good at all.
And now it's now they just they don't
want the cheese. They just want out of
the trap. You know, they just get me get
me out of here.
>> And they're not they're not going to
want to do that because the making them
say it again is just
it's just revealing they're ugly and
darkness hates light.
>> You know, you were talking about
inviting someone to What are you
hearing? What are you hearing from me?
What is it? What what did you just hear
me say?
>> Yeah.
>> How are you interpreting that? You know
the idea of a steel man
>> uh and a straw man, right? So straw man
representing the weakest version of
someone's argument. Steelman me saying
>> so
we're in a debate, but what I think
you're trying to say is and I put across
the best version, the best possible
version of your argument,
>> that's good. What you're doing with the
invitation is like a reverse steelman.
>> Mhm.
>> Or an invited steelman. You're saying,
"Can you tell me
>> Mhm.
>> what you're hearing me say?"
>> Yes.
>> And then ah, okay. So, no, not quite.
And the same thing with the reason that
you do the steelman is so I go, "Okay,
so Jeffson, what what I'm hearing from
you is this and this and this. Is that
right?" And you go, "Well, actually, no.
You're just saying, "Hey, come do the
steelman thing for me." Yes. And then if
there's anything that's not fully
understood, and you're doing the same
thing with the insult to a degree, it's
like inviting this person to almost
steal the the nuclear warhead that they
just dropped on you,
>> right?
>> You
probably more like a septic tank than a
nuclear warhead. Uh you know,
>> exactly.
>> You know this big puddle of [ __ ] that's
in front of us?
>> Yeah. Is that [ __ ] or is it soup?
>> Cuz I can't to me it looks and smells a
lot like [ __ ]
>> And uh just making sure that we're not
confu I'm not confusing
what this is.
>> Yeah, there's a lot of there's actually
this like hidden power around tell me
what I'm missing. Tell me what like I'm
missing something here. Something else
is going on
>> and I need you to tell me what I'm
missing. So, lots of times I'll be in a
deposition and I'll have somebody who is
I know I've caught them in a lie.
There's lots of people lie under oath
all the time and they have no problem
with it. And because I know cuz I have
the evidence right here and they just
don't know that I have it.
And so it's often the people who it's
most blatant like they it's just an easy
they didn't have to lie about it. like
they could have just fallen on the
sword, but they're they're so
contradictory that they can't possibly
not. So, if it's like if I were to tell
you, I feel like you're really upset.
And they go, I'm not upset. I'm just
like, it doesn't matter what emotion I
said, they're going to always tell me.
No, it's not that I'm I'm I'm okay. It's
just I'm it doesn't matter what it is,
they're always going to contradict that.
And so when I know I'm up against that
kind of person,
you have to do this
searching with like where questions
matter a whole lot more than statements.
Meaning if I'm going to ask a question
that is more open-ended,
I'm getting I'm signaling to this aspect
of what am I missing here? I hear you
telling me this.
I'm missing where you're getting to
that. Same way with the insult.
What am I? You say that I'm, you know,
the whatever, the worst thing. I need
you to say that again because
something's missing because it's not
hitting me the same way you want it to
hit me.
>> So, where is that coming from? And and
and that right there is the the wamp
feeling, you know, the blanket, wet
blanket of Exactly. sad emoji for them
of like I've it didn't it didn't work.
What was missing was they were actually
intending to cause pain because they're
in pain. And it felt better for them to
cause you pain than actually deal with
their own emotions. Before we continue,
most people in their 30s are still
training hard. Their protein is dialed
in. They sleep better than they did in
their 20s. Discipline is not the issue,
but recovery feels somewhat different.
Strength gains take a little longer. The
margin for error starts to shrink. And
that is why I'm such a huge fan of
timeline. You see, mitochondria are the
energy producers inside of your muscle
cells. As they weaken with age, your
ability to generate power and recover
effectively changes even if your habits
stay strong. Mitoure from timeline
contains the only clinically validated
form of urethylene A used in human
trials. It promotes mphagy, which is
your body's natural process for clearing
out damaged mitochondria and renewing
healthy ones. In studies, this supported
mitochondrial function and muscle
strength in older adults. It's not about
pushing harder. It's about actually
supporting the cellular machinery
underneath your training. If you care
about staying strong into your 30s, 40s,
and 50s and beyond, this is
foundational. Best of all, there is a
30-day money back guarantee, plus free
shipping in the US. And they ship
internationally. And right now, you can
get up to 20% off by going to the link
in the description below or heading to
timeline.com/modernwisdom
and using the code modernwisdom at
checkout. That's
timeline.com/modernwisdom
and modernwisdom at checkout.
Congratulations, you made it to the end
of a clip. And the full length episode
is available right here.
Go on.