When you select a partner, whether you
realize it or not, you're choosing a
whole lifestyle and not just the person.
You're choosing their sleep schedule.
You're choosing their money habits.
You're choosing their stress levels,
their family drama, their levels of
cleanliness, their work ethic, their
coping mechanisms. All of these things
will be a baseline of your daily life.
If their normal is doom scrolling till 2
a.m., avoiding all conflict, impulse
spending, and never exercising, guess
what? You're signing up to live in that
ecosystem. Love does not cancel out
people's flaws. In fact, love just makes
you tolerate them for longer. Most
people obsess over, "Do we have romantic
chemistry?" And they completely skip,
"Can I live with this person's version
of a Tuesday for the next 10 years?" The
hard truth is, you don't fix somebody's
lifestyle from the inside. You either
accept the package as they are or you
walk.
>> I've been having I've been having this
conversation with a lot of single
friends recently of
What I'm what I am noticing is that
people tend seem to have kind of this
laundry list of requirements. And as
soon as they and there's this also this
false perception of infinite options and
so as soon as the person that they're
seeing or that they're on a date with
like fails one of the qualifications,
they're like, "Oh, next I'm going to
move on." And then of course they're,
you know, 45 and still single and
wondering why they never found anybody.
And
have you ever heard that story that I
think it I think it it was Warren
Buffett where he said that he was like,
you know, you you
write out a list of 20 things that you
want in your life, put them in order
from the thing that's most important to
least important, and then cross out
everything but the top three. it. I I'm
I've essentially started giving that
exercise to my single friends
>> because I'm like, you're not gonna find
all of these and and and it's you've
been brainwashed. You have this like
false perception that there's a lot of
these people out there that that tick
every single box and there's not and
you're probably even if there is, you're
probably not going to meet them and and
if you do meet them, they're going to
have so many options that it's going to
be like very unlikely that you end up
with them. So,
it's find your three non-negotiables and
then negotiate on the rest. And that's
like [ __ ] sacrilege these days to
tell people cuz they're like, "I don't
want to settle." Like settling.
>> Yeah. I don't want to settle. It's like,
>> dude, everybody settles on something.
>> I mean, you're settling in that you
can't fly at the moment.
>> Yeah.
>> You know, you're settling in that you
need to go to bed every night.
>> Yeah. I mean, dude, there's things I've
been with my wife for 14 years. There's
things about her that still drive me
[ __ ] crazy. And but I I
>> She's like Latina, right?
>> Well, yeah.
>> Yeah. So that kind of comes that's part
of the course.
>> It's Yes. It's part for every course,
but it's the Latina The Latino versions
are just much more dramatic and
>> very loud with lots of tears involved.
>> Spicy. It's a spicy version. It's the
Fuego version.
>> Exactly.
>> The Fuego dating.
>> Exactly. Um but there's things about me
that like she can't stand. But it's like
you just accept at a certain point.
You're like, "Okay, the good vastly
outweighs the bad." and and you go with
it. And um and I think I think the
reason that posted so well is you know
when you are meeting people when you are
dating people
there's there's this whole kind of like
iceberg under the water of traits and
characteristics and personality and
connections and relationships
that you you're not really aware of that
they're there. Um, but that's actually
going to be the majority of the
relationship,
>> correct? And
really, most people are kind of just
going on vibes, you know, when they're
when they're dating somebody. Um, and so
I I just think it's helpful to be like
explicitly conscious about it and
understand like, okay, if if her
mother's crazy like, and you want to
marry her, like, you're going to have a
crazy mother-in-law for 40 years.
>> Luck in for some crazy.
>> Exactly. Like it's just put it on the
plate cuz it's part of the course. You
can't you can't only it's not a buffet.
You don't just take the items you want.
You got to take
>> it's the whole prefix menu.
>> You know what the original name for this
podcast was going to be? What's that?
Crushing a Tuesday. The reason for that
glad that I didn't do it. Uh another one
was mind and matter and another one was
brain and brawn and it was they were
horrible. Modern wisdom was divine
inspiration that came to me at 3 in the
morning.
>> Yeah. Much better. Thank you. Uh,
>> Crushing Tuesday is not bad.
>> Crushing a Tuesday was taken from a Tim
Ferrris podcast. Okay. And what he said
was, "Most people try to optimize their
lives around peak experiences."
>> Mhm.
>> But your life is made up of average
Tuesdays. Yeah. And your goal should be
to make your average Tuesday as
enjoyable as possible.
>> Yeah.
>> And that's what you're talking about
here. That
>> what people look at is the amazing sex
or the fascinating conversation. They
don't realize what is this person like
normally? What is the middle of their
bell curve of just how they operate?
What do they do with
>> with the most frequent interaction
between them and reality? What do they
do with their diet? That's pretty
important. What do they do with their
sleep pattern? That's pretty important.
These are structural things. How do they
deal with discomfort? How do they deal
with things when they're hot? How do
they deal when they're disregulated?
>> What's their family like?
>> Yeah. What are their timelines like? You
know, are your timelines in the same
moving in the same direction? And that
is what what's the relationship with
money like? That is what you are signing
up for.
>> Right. And that line, love does not
cancel out people's flaws. In fact, it
just makes you tolerate it for longer.
>> Mhm.
>> Um, which is what's deranging to a lot
of people that they get into a
relationship with somebody who isn't
right for them or isn't good for them.
and the capacity of their love, the
intensity of their love just allows them
to stay in something which isn't right
for even longer.
>> Yeah.
>> And I think that people often feel
guilty about having optimized for
romantic chemistry when what they should
have been optimizing for is
is Tuesday evening with this person
enjoyable, right? And it's it's easy to
optimize for that romantic chemistry cuz
that's what you're flooded with when you
meet somebody you really like. Um, so
that's what you're going to be biased
towards. And I should I should add, so
it's funny because I think I've posted a
couple variations of this post over the
years. And um,
every every time there's always like a
couple angry people in the comments who
are like, you this is unrealistic. You
shouldn't expect somebody to satisfy all
of these things for you. And the point
of this isn't that you have to go find
somebody who has a mother that you like
and who who's like good with the
opposite of that.
>> Yeah. No, it's like it's you have to
find somebody that you're willing to
tolerate all of all of those things,
right? So, it's it's not um they're not
trying to hit a a a ceiling like you're
just trying to make find somebody who
like nothing falls below your floor.
>> And it's also I think a lot of it there
are a couple other facets of this. I
think one is understanding that what you
what what are you particularly well
equipped to handle?
So, for example, my wife's Brazilian.
She has a lot of feelings. Uh, and I'm
just like very even killed pretty much
all the time. It It really takes a lot
for me to get worked up about anything.
Like I'm I'm the guy who doesn't give a
[ __ ] So
>> it actually works extremely well. Like I
can handle a lot of emotions. It doesn't
really freak me out. I don't like get
sucked into drama easily.
So there's like a certain amount of
self-nowledge of understanding
this is the type of partner that I'm
probably well suited for because
>> my strength kind of
>> resonates well with their weakness or
vice versa.
>> Whereas like
>> my
you know I I have a very very like
strong need for intellectual
stimulation. I get bored extremely
easily. And back when I was single, like
I I dated a lot of really cool girls,
but who just like weren't super smart or
curious. And I I was bored within
minutes. And some of them were smoking
hot. Some of them were awesome in bed.
And I I I remember sitting there being
like, I can't believe I'm going to break
up with this girl. Like, she's What am I
doing? But I was bored.
>> Got nothing to talk to you about.
>> Yeah. I was bored out of my mind.
>> Your first date with your now wife was
you met in a nightclub and within 30
minutes we're talking about Russian
literature.
>> Uh Russian grammar. Russian grammar.
That's it.
>> You know,
>> yes.
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Congratulations, you made it to the end
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