[@ChrisWillx] Understanding the Psychology of Perfectionism - Dr Paul Hewitt

Link: https://youtu.be/3mEbECK95EM

Short Summary

Perfectionism is a deeply ingrained personality style rooted in a core belief of personal inadequacy, driving individuals to relentlessly seek flawlessness to gain acceptance and worth. It often stems from unmet attachment needs in early life, leading to a self-critical inner dialogue and maladaptive behaviors aimed at concealing imperfections, ultimately hindering true connection and well-being. Therapy, rather than focusing on eliminating perfectionism, aims to address the underlying feelings of unworthiness and facilitate self-acceptance, allowing for healthier ways of navigating the world.

Key Quotes

Okay, here are 5 quotes from the provided transcript that I found particularly insightful:

1. "…a perfectionism is kind of a deeply ingrained personality style uh that people use to kind of navigate their path through life. Um, so we talk about it as a way of being in the world and um it's it's kind of the sense that at the core I'm not enough." This concisely defines perfectionism and highlights the core feeling of inadequacy that drives it.

2. "So the distinction it is in the way we understand they're two very different psychological constructs. One is to repair the self and another is to push the self and attain and accomplish different things." This distills the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism by focusing on motivation. It is not necessarily about what you do but why you do it.

3. "And I say, well, isn't that interesting that you could be that, you know, that abusive? You're not that abusive to loved ones in your life, but somehow you are to yourself." This powerfully illustrates the often-harsh inner critic perfectionists subject themselves to, drawing a direct parallel to abusive behavior.

4. "Achievement doesn't relieve this sense that I'm not enough. Uh, in fact, it reinforces in many ways, oh, I must be more perfect… So success is never sufficient and failure is always confirmation of your inefficiency" This highlights the self-perpetuating nature of perfectionism.

5. "I think it's an existential fear uh about not fitting belonging. Who am I? Where am I? So I think you're right. um that it is about fear. And one of the ways to quell some of that existential fear because we're social is is to have connection to to fit belong uh to matter to people to be to be loved, but also fundamentally to have a sense that I I'm okay, I'm deserving, I'm good enough, um that I have worth. " This is an excellent summary that relates the root of perfectionism to fundamental fears that all people have about worth, purpose, and connection.

Detailed Summary

Here's a detailed summary of the YouTube video transcript, broken down into bullet points:

Key Topics and Definitions:

• Definition of Perfectionism: Deeply ingrained personality style used to navigate life. It stems from a core belief of "I'm not enough," flawed, or defective.
• Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism: Used to conceal imperfections and appear perfect to gain acceptance, love, care, belonging, and worth, repairing the perceived flaw at the core.
• Distinction from Healthy Striving: The motivation behind the behavior is key. Perfectionism aims to correct a perceived flawed self; healthy striving pushes the self for achievement.

Development and Upbringing:

• Contingent Love (Sometimes): While not always the sole factor, love contingent on performance can contribute to perfectionism.
• Attachment Theory & Asynchrony: Perfectionism often arises from early life experiences where basic needs for worth, acceptance, and belonging were not consistently met. This involves asynchrony or nonatunement in caregiver interactions.
• Not Blaming Parents: The speaker emphasizes that it's not about blaming parents. Instead, it's about a mismatch between the child's needs and what they receive from caregivers.
• Child's Interpretation: The child internalizes a message of "I am not enough" and attempts to compensate by striving for perfection to gain the needed support and love.
• Childlike Solution: Striving for perceived perfection becomes an "elegant," though ultimately flawed, solution.

Manifestations and Experiences:

• Idiosyncratic Nature: Perfectionism manifests differently in each individual, affecting how they feel about themselves and how they attempt to be or appear perfect.
• Striving vs. Paralysis: Can lead to driven behavior or paralyzing inaction due to fear of imperfection.
• Internal Dialogue: Harsh, critical, and abusive self-talk, creating a secret, negative inner world.

Distinguishing Perfectionism from Healthy Striving:

• Motivation: Key difference is the underlying reason for striving. Is it to fix a perceived flaw or to pursue genuine goals and growth?
• Achievement: The video contrasts achievement, striving, and conscientiousness as separate concepts from "perfectionism" (the video claims, is the use of perfectionism as the term is inappropriate) which is about repairing or hiding the sense of a flawed core self.
• Demarcation: Demarcation of what you do versus who you are. The distinction is the ability to recognize worth even when performance falls short.

Impact of Achievement and Failure:

• Achievement Doesn't Relieve: Success doesn't address the core belief of unacceptability or not being enough.
• Lack of Success Worsens: Failure reinforces the negative self-perception.
• Wrong Tool: Perfectionism is the "wrong tool" for achieving genuine worth and belonging.
• Relief vs. Joy: Abatement of fear can often take precedence over happiness or joy.

Types/Dimensions of Perfectionism:

• Trait Level:
  • Self-Oriented: "I need me to be perfect."
  • Other-Oriented: "I need you to be perfect."
  • Socially Prescribed: "Others need me to be perfect."
• Interpersonal Expression:
  • Promoting self as perfect.
  • Avoiding display of imperfection.
  • Avoiding disclosing imperfection
• Self-Relational: The dialogue, harsh, negative internal relationship we have with ourselves.
• Overlapping traits
  • Narcissism
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Eating disorders
• The video emphasized that perfectionism often coexists with traits like depression and anxiety, and contrasts itself to traits like conscientiousness, which relates to the "healthy" side of striving.

Relationships and Social Impact:

• Politicians: Exampled as generally needing to appear perfect to the public instead of necessarily needing to be perfect.
• Intimacy: Compromised in intimate relationships due to fear of revealing imperfections.
• Pushing People Away: Perfectionistic behaviors often create distance and push people away, contradicting the initial goal of connection.
• Hedged Identities: Emphasized the benefits of having your identity distributed, so if an event doesn't go well, that's ok, it's not the end of the world, rather than hedging identity and only identifying with just your work, your status, your job, your reputation, etc.

Deadly Nature of Perfectionism:

• Delaying Help: Perfectionists are less likely to seek help due to admitting illness as a failure.
• Suicide Risk: A risk factor for suicide. The video mentions perfectionism can predict suicide even when depression and hopelessness are controlled for.

Therapy and Recovery:

• Focus on Deeper Issues: Therapy should address underlying issues of worth, belonging, and connectedness rather than directly targeting perfectionism.
• Growth, Not Reduction: Aims to relieve individuals of that personality trait.
• Self-Acceptance: Key is accepting oneself and other people's flaws.
• Therapeutic Alliance: The foundation is a safe therapeutic relationship.
• The speaker strongly criticizes CBT-based worksheet/homework approaches to perfectionism, instead strongly favoring the psychodynamic approach of working on the deeply seeded issues to resolve the need for the perfectionism in the first place.
• Clinically Relevant vs Clinically Significant: The video points out that there is a significant and clinically relevant difference between making changes at the surface level to a certain level and making sure the changes have maintained throughout the entire period of time and are clinically significant.
• Improvement Over Time: If the underlying cause can be removed, the symptoms will have a better chance of going away.

Perfectionism and Performance:

• Not a Performance Enhancer: Can actually interfere with performance (e.g., in commission-based jobs, university professors).
• Personal Costs: Even in cases of famous "perfectionists," the personal costs and sacrifices may not be worth the outcome for most people.
• Elon Musk: Pointed out that Elon Musk has said that if people lived in his mind, they wouldn't like it, as well as stating that his mind is a storm.
• Dangers of Comparison: It is a dangerous and harmful strategy to compare the lifestyle of an outlier to the general population.
• Fear: Perfectionism is based in fear about not fitting or belonging

Other-Oriented Perfectionism:

• Elevating Self: Needing others to be perfect to elevate oneself.
• Borrowing Identity: Borrowing the identity of another to feel a sense of worth.
• Projection of Criticism: Projecting negative internal dialogue to the other person (partner).

The Video Ends With:

• Acknowledging that people can make changes in this area of their lives.
• Encouraging people to try and find a therapist that can work with them and that they trust.
• A personal book recommendation, and to keep up to date with the work on the website.