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[@ChrisWillx] How To Get Over Ghosting

· 4 min read
[@ChrisWillx] Summarizer
Video Bot

@ChrisWillx - "How To Get Over Ghosting"

Link: https://youtu.be/AtBvyykVcok

Short Summary​

Number One Action Item/Takeaway:

Don't internalize the rejection as a flaw in yourself. Focus on choosing partners who treat you with respect and prioritize finding someone who appreciates your authentic self.

Executive Summary:

The speaker addresses the pain of being used and ghosted, emphasizing that such behavior reflects the character of the ghoster, not a deficit in the ghostee. The key is to shift the focus from self-blame to identifying and choosing partners with traits like psychological stability, loyalty, and good communication, which are crucial for long-term relationship success.

Key Quotes​

Here are five direct quotes from the YouTube video transcript that represent valuable insights and strong opinions:

  1. "It's not a rejection if it's somebody that you would have hated being in a relationship long term. You've been saved by the fact that this guy behaved that way."

  2. "Trying to remember your goal is not to find somebody your goal is to find somebody who will treat you right as you. Not to make yourself into the sort of person that someone who would reject you and ghost you won't do simply because you've sort of super squirrel [ __ ] like Jedi mind tricked them into seeing you as somebody else."

  3. "I would be uncompromising with what it is that you uh like two or three things that you really really want. I want a partner who is peaceful. I want a partner who makes me feel safe. I want a partner who can provide for me financially. That sick."

  4. "I would prioritize something like psychological stability. So, how long after you've had a uh psychological perturbment? Are they able to get back to baseline and be calm?"

  5. "...you want a partner that's a little bit less open to experience you want a partner who's like just moderately open to experience because too open to experience causes them to stray and look for other partners."

Detailed Summary​

Here's a detailed summary of the YouTube video transcript, broken down into bullet points:

Main Topic: Dealing with Rejection After Being Used and Ghosted

  • Acknowledge the Pain: Being used and ghosted is a common but painful experience, especially when you've invested self-worth in the person.
  • The "If Only" Trap: It's natural to feel like you weren't "enough" and to wish you had been different to avoid rejection.
  • Logical Reframe: Not Rejection, But a Lucky Escape: If someone uses and ghosts, it's a sign of their character flaws, not your inadequacy. You've been spared a potentially damaging long-term relationship.
  • Genetics and Partner Choice: Consider the kind of partner you'd want to co-parent with. Would you want your children to inherit the ghoster's traits?
  • Dating in Your 20s: The speaker admits to exhibiting similar behavior in his youth, due to fear of honesty and commitment.
  • The Shame Response: The feeling of needing to change to avoid future rejection is the source of the shame.
  • Focus on Partner Choice, Not Self-Blame: The issue is the bad partner choice, not a reflection of your worth.
  • Unapologetically Yourself: The goal isn't to become someone who won't be rejected by bad partners, but to be authentically yourself and be chosen for that. Avoid playing a role or suppressing parts of yourself.

Additional Advice for Women Navigating Dating (Specifically at Age 37)

  • Acknowledge Time Constraints: Dating at this age can feel pressurized, especially with factors like kids or divorce.
  • Non-Negotiables (Limited to 2-3): Identify 2-3 essential qualities you absolutely require in a partner (e.g., peacefulness, safety, financial stability). Be strict about these.
  • Flexibility with Other Qualities: Avoid an overly long checklist of desired traits. Prioritize what truly matters.
  • Prioritize Psychological Stability: Focus on traits that predict long-term relationship success.
  • Key Predictors of Success:
    • Emotional Regulation: How quickly they recover from upsets.
    • Loyalty and Trustworthiness: Do they make you feel safe and regulated?
    • Communication Skills: Can they express their feelings well?
  • Avoid Optimizing for Superficial Traits: Don't prioritize traits like height, education, or "coolness."
  • Openness to Experience (Moderate is Best): A partner who is too open to experience might be more likely to stray.
  • Book Recommendations:
    • Don't Trust Your Gut by Seth Stevens-Davidowitz